She pulled and tugged, and after a full day of school and a play date, a cry left her mouth when the seat belt wouldn’t work properly. I had asked her to be quiet, and this was far from it, and now the baby his own cries leaving his mouth. And we still had an hour left in the car.
It was there then, that building in my chest, and despite my deep breathing and attempts to stop it, I erupted, and I yelled. And it happened again at bedtime, when the older two wouldn’t stop arguing and bugging one another. That tone, that decibel — the one you never think you will hear from yourself.
And where is God in all of this? Aren’t I a Christian, a new creation with a transformed mind?
Yes, I am all of those things, but the journey before me is long. Yet, God is still there in those moments. He does not leave when I sin, he is there and he sees it all.
After the baby was in bed, and the quiet echoed off the walls, my heart fell into the proper posture, and God was still there. Grace upon grace upon grace upon grace upon grace upon grace upon grace, and thank the Lord because I need that.
Quietly, I tip-toed into the room my son and daughter share and quietly asked my brown-haired girl if she wanted to come with me. She was silent as I carried her out, we both were, so the two-year-old wouldn’t hear. We sat by the window in the moonlight, the small weight of her on my lap, her head against my chest. We whispered, she and I, about many things. About life’s possibilities, and when she’s a mother and I’m a grandma. About school and about our sponsored kids. About Christmas and about her brothers. About us two girls in the family and how much I really very love her (something she used to say) and that I was sorry I yelled.
I love love love love love you, I whispered. There’s nothing you could ever do that would make me stop loving you, I love you always and forever, to the moon and back...
And God was there, he saw it all,
and all was well.
This post is a part of a 31 day series in which I write about the extraordinary in my ordinary moments. To see a list of all the other posts, click here.