A lot of words but I’m not sure how much sense.

Guys, I’m so tired.  It’s 10:30 and I was only in bed last night for 5.5 hours (with an interruption at every hour, and sleeping with Ezra for about one hour).  Isaac thought it would be really fun to coo and blow raspberries between 5:20am and 6:40am, and when I finally fell back asleep, Ezra and Eva woke me up around 7:10.

But I just feel like I have to write something here, it’s the end of August, the very last day of August 2012 and I just don’t even know what to do with myself.  My days are so jam-packed full that I feel like my life is almost over.  I know that sounds so dramatic and horrible but I really don’t feel as bad as that might sound.  I still would like life to slow down a bit, but it feels like every day is going on without me.  I feel like I’m going to wake up tomorrow and I’m going to be 50 and my kids will all be grown and I still won’t have made their baby book albums or hung pictures on the walls or other various things on the to-do list.  So many tasks just get in the way.  My doctor even told me I need to figure out some time management stuff.  Doctor’s orders.  I read a book on time management.  It was really short, and full of information, that’s the only way that I could actually read it.  Now… putting it into practice, I need some time to figure out how to do that.

I haven’t blogged the last two weeks of photos, nor have I blogged the last two months of Isaac’s first year.  How is this baby 8 months old already!?  I mean really.  He’s getting so close to one that I’m starting to get seriously sad about it.  Eva is starting grade stinking one this week, and she just got a haircut and some mary jane’s to go with her new uniform she has to wear this year.  And she’s so creative and such a sweetheart and so grown up now that it just kills me.  Ezra is starting to talk so much more and I laugh at all these adorable things that come out of his mouth.  They are just normal little sentences and if Peter said them I wouldn’t think they are funny at all.  It is just hilarious for me to hear these full sentences come out of Ezra’s mouth.  He is still stubborn and throws fits sometimes and screams at his sister a lot, but he has really evened out and he is so sweet and I just love that guy.  He’s hilarious actually, but it seems like just yesterday I was expecting him and we were planning to go on a mission trip with him as a wee babe and now he’s two and he runs everywhere and hits his head a thousand times a day and he’s just such a kid.

These kids drive me crazy some days but I love them so much.  I don’t want this time that we have together to fly by.  In some ways I look forward to them being older, and more independent but then that just means that I am older too and life is just going too fast.  And I know this world isn’t my home, but it’s the only place I really truly know and I’m just savoring all these good things.

I am getting so busy with work right now, or maybe it’s just these three kids around all the time that make it impossible for me to work more than ten minutes straight without being interrupted and having to stop.  It’s so hard, you know, I hate when lunch is over and I put Ezra to sleep and I tidy the kitchen and I’m just about to sit down to finally get some work done and Eva asks me to do a craft with her or play a game.  It just breaks my heart because I feel like I’m saying no to her too much, and all she’s going to remember about her childhood is that “mom was always so busy working and sometimes she got really stressed and would yell at us and put us to bed early.”  Of course it’s not always like that, but that’s how my brain works.  I just sometimes wish I worked outside the home so that my work could be my work and my home could be my home and I could just be fully present when I was in either place.  I feel so torn here, between housework, cooking, photography, kids, my own free time, time spent with my husband, time to exercise, eat right, pray and read the bible, the list goes on.  Maybe this all gets better once you don’t have babies around any more and they are older, but all I ever hear from people with older kids is “Oh, cherish those moments, I just wish I could go back to them.”  It’s like these days are the glory days even though you are so tired you feel like you are in some kind of parallel universe and the days just run on together and you have no concept of time or even seasons anymore.  I truly, in my heart of hearts, do see it all as a gift and so I hope this doesn’t sound like one long blog complaint, but I just have to get some of this off my chest before I feel like I can ever blog again!  Sometimes a little out pour from the heart just helps to clear one’s mind.

After the last night’s fiascos I have decided to sleep on the floor in Eva and Ezra’s room, on an Ikea crib mattress that obviously isn’t even long enough for my entire body.  There are two of these crib mattresses side by side, so Isaac will be with me there and the Es in their beds and that way we are all just together in case anyone of us needs anyone else.

I set it all up after Eva and Ezra fell asleep, so I hope Eva doesn’t totally trip on us when she gets up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night.

Anyway, thanks for reading this total run-on ramble.  If you pray for us, pray for sleep… and time management.  Doctor’s orders, remember?

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3 thoughts on “A lot of words but I’m not sure how much sense.

  1. mama

    I love you so so much Chelsey dear, hang in there sweet girl and know that you are already amazing! and you are doing enough and being enough~no gravy guilt girl, just do what you can do the best you can do it and remember how very much I love and admire you~! Mama R

    Reply

  2. Carmelle

    Oh Chelsey, I sometimes feel the exact same as you do right now! I curse under my breath when I wake up in the morning and within the first ten minutes I am already fast-forwarding to bedtime. Why do I wish away these days? Why does it feel like nothing can ever be easy? It’s so backwards because you and I actually CHOOSE to be at home and raise our children! So why am I counting down the hours, minutes, seconds until I can lay down my kids in bed and have some quiet time to myself? Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in my to-do lists and chores and the constant cleaning and the lack of sleep. It seems like every day I say out loud during one of the dozens of diaper changes: “Please God, give me the patience to get through this day with these CHILDREN!!” And then He does. And another day is gone. And I’m saddened that I just wished away a whole day with my beautiful babies when I could have just lived in the moment.

    Reply

    1. chelsey

      It’s so tough, Carmelle. Getting up early before my kids to spend time in God’s word and praying really did help me set the tone for my day and I miss it very much right now, but when I’m not getting any sleep it’s hard to get up early. And it’s hard to get up earlier than Ezra who rises around 6:30. It’s so hard to find the perfect balance. I feel like I’m doing my best as a mother when that is my main focus (no photography work to do). But then, I want to work so that our family has some more income to put our kids into some activities now that they are older. I choose to be at home and I choose to work from home but sometimes it feels like it would be much easier just to work out of the home. Sometimes I’m jealous of Peter who is away doing his work and then when he comes home he is just home you know? Agh. Anyway, just one of those days. Motherhood is tough!

      Reply

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