I closed my eyes and imagined it, or Him, or whatever it was, I imagined it flowing through my veins. I imagined it mixing with my blood, moving my limbs, telling me where to go, what move to make next. Peace washed over me, a peace completely unknown to me before this moment. I opened my eyes and thought, “Yes, Lord, I want this. I want your Spirit within me, leading me.”
I walked up to the pastor of the church I had been attending for the last 6 months, the only church I had ever attended, and said, “I want to be baptized. I want to follow God, I want his Holy Spirit to guide my life.”
It hasn’t all been as easy as I had originally imagined.
Some decisions are just tough.
Satan is also quite crafty, confusing me at times.
Sometimes, there’s just so much noise in life, so much happening all at once, and I just can’t hear Him.
When I find myself in those moments of not knowing what to do, those moments of confusion, those moments of utter despair — whether it’s my son’s 8th screaming fit of the day, or not knowing how to answer my 5-year-old’s question about God, or whether it’s me on my knees again, weeping over my sinful behaviour that has hurt my children — it reminds me of how much I truly need Him. These moments remind me that I am a terrible mother without Him.
Lately, I find myself to be a Martha mother. I am so consumed by my to-do list — packing the diaper bag, making lunch, cleaning up, laundry, bathing, the list never ends — that I forget to sit at the feet of Jesus and listen to what he said. Somehow, these things become top priority, they must be done, and ultimately, when I go through my day completing many tasks but not praying, not listening, not seeking His Spirit, ultimately I am saying that my to-do list is most important.
The truth is, I cannot complete my to-do list well without sitting at Jesus’ feet and listening. I cannot be the Mother that I want so desperately to be without sitting at His feet and listening. I cannot love my children in Spirit without sitting at His feet and listening.
I need the Spirit flowing through my heart, my veins, mixing with my blood, moving my limbs, moving my lips, hugging my children, speaking gently to them. I need the Spirit to handle through me my 20-month-old’s screaming fit that I don’t know what to do with, to answer my 5-year-old’s hard questions, to keep me from sinning against my children. I do not know how to be a Mother, I need his Spirit to guide me. But I cannot be a Mary mother when I’m rushing around like Martha and forgetting to sit at His feet and listen.
I am so thankful for His grace that picks me up, dusts me off, and allows me to try again. May I mother in His grace every day.
May I be a Spirit-Lead Mother, every day. May there be more of Him, and less of me. More and more of Him each passing day.