I’m having trouble dying to myself these days.
For a long time now I’ve wanted to rent the movie Magnolia. I had already seen it a few times and I remembered really liking it. Peter had never seen it and I had decided that he should, due to the fact that I remembered liking it and that there were so many good actors and actresses in the film. But every time that we tried to rent it, it was already rented. Finally, yesterday we were able to pick it up, and this afternoon we watched it.
part of it.
About half way through, I was so sick of it that I had to turn it off.
I guess I liked it when I was living in a different time, a different world.
I feel that world calling me lately, especially now that I have acquired a new proverbial hat to wear: mother. There have been many times in the past 8 weeks that I have taken a step back in disbelief. Disbelief that I am a mother, disbelief that I live in Victoria, that I am married, that I am a PW (pastor’s wife), that I believe in God and try to live for him. Those are a lot of hats. We all have them. But lately, mine are feeling a bit heavy.
Mostly, it’s the mother hat. I’m sure that’s to be expected. But it seems like I’m not fully ready to dive into the deep end, if you know what I mean. It’s like I want Eva to fit into my life instead of being willing to give up mine to meet her needs. I don’t want you getting the wrong idea, I love the kid to bits. I don’t regret anything. I’m not wishing this all to go away or anything like that. I guess I just feel a little weighed down by the sudden demands that I need to fulfill on a 24-hour basis. I guess I just don’t really want to sometimes. I guess that’s probably normal.
Motherhood is very missional. Any other “mission” work that I’ve done it has seemed as though I can die to myself for part of the day, and then go home and live for myself the rest of the time. But now there is no escaping God’s call for my life. It is 100% in my face. I need to die to my selfish desires every day, all day long. Probably for the rest of my life.
It’s not a bad thing.
It’s just hard is all.
At least for me.
So Magnolia sits by my DVD player, unwatched. I’m remembering other hats that I have worn. I’m leaving them behind. I’m pressing on toward the goal.
And getting very little sleep while I do it.