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I’m having trouble dying to myself these days. F…

I’m having trouble dying to myself these days.

For a long time now I’ve wanted to rent the movie Magnolia. I had already seen it a few times and I remembered really liking it. Peter had never seen it and I had decided that he should, due to the fact that I remembered liking it and that there were so many good actors and actresses in the film. But every time that we tried to rent it, it was already rented. Finally, yesterday we were able to pick it up, and this afternoon we watched it.

Well…

part of it.

About half way through, I was so sick of it that I had to turn it off.

I guess I liked it when I was living in a different time, a different world.

I feel that world calling me lately, especially now that I have acquired a new proverbial hat to wear: mother. There have been many times in the past 8 weeks that I have taken a step back in disbelief. Disbelief that I am a mother, disbelief that I live in Victoria, that I am married, that I am a PW (pastor’s wife), that I believe in God and try to live for him. Those are a lot of hats. We all have them. But lately, mine are feeling a bit heavy.

Mostly, it’s the mother hat. I’m sure that’s to be expected. But it seems like I’m not fully ready to dive into the deep end, if you know what I mean. It’s like I want Eva to fit into my life instead of being willing to give up mine to meet her needs. I don’t want you getting the wrong idea, I love the kid to bits. I don’t regret anything. I’m not wishing this all to go away or anything like that. I guess I just feel a little weighed down by the sudden demands that I need to fulfill on a 24-hour basis. I guess I just don’t really want to sometimes. I guess that’s probably normal.

Motherhood is very missional. Any other “mission” work that I’ve done it has seemed as though I can die to myself for part of the day, and then go home and live for myself the rest of the time. But now there is no escaping God’s call for my life. It is 100% in my face. I need to die to my selfish desires every day, all day long. Probably for the rest of my life.

It’s not a bad thing.

It’s just hard is all.

At least for me.

So Magnolia sits by my DVD player, unwatched. I’m remembering other hats that I have worn. I’m leaving them behind. I’m pressing on toward the goal.

And getting very little sleep while I do it.

February 19, 2007 - 10:58 pm Timhttp://wyattsworld.wordpress.com - Wow Chels - I know how you feel, well a bit of how you feel - from the father perspective. Tara has been experiencing some of the same feelings the last couple days especially - there's just no time off... she'd comment but she's busy being mom. I don't know if saying all that will help or just be annoying... That struggle to accept the whole parent thing I can relate to as well - it's not as bad the second time, but I think both of us went through kind of what you described just accepting the idea of this kid being there forever and letting go of the past way we could live. It does get better just so you know, and it will change. You'll get used to it more I think, and she'll grow up and it will be different - then you can deal with screaming tantrums and tell me what the secret is! (more possibly annoying statements I know) The first months are really extreme - hang in there...

February 20, 2007 - 8:02 am Anonymous - Tim's right, the first months are really extreme - hang in there....
You are a wonderful Mom Chelsey and it is hard letting go of the freedom of the past. I'm at the opposite end of this....wondering where did the time go and how can you be grown up, married, and have a baby of your own! You should still be my little girl.
Love Mom

February 20, 2007 - 8:13 am Keri M. Valdez - Hey Chels.. I can't really understand this feeling, but I am sure I will feel it someday in the future. Just hang in there, I love you, and someday soon you'll have to be there for me, to complain to and talk to and to give me support... Chels you are doing such a great job as a mom, hang in there:)

February 20, 2007 - 8:22 am Anonymous - I can relate. Right now Eva needs you for everything. Once she starts getting a little more independant it will get a little less overwhelming. It took me a while to figure this out but making a point of doing something for yourself is key. Try to get out by yourself to take photos, get a manicure... This will help you recharge a little bit and make you feel like you still have a bit of a life.
You are doing great and everything you are feeling is totally normal.
Ev

February 20, 2007 - 11:03 am 2-minute mark - chelsea, i know that you may know this already and i dont say it to downplay your woes, but you are not alone in the way you feel! i just say this because you may feel like you are being far away from family and all. i know that melissa and myself feel the same way. looking back now on when kiara was evas age, i wish that i could have seen into the future. what i mean is that all of that time spent up at night and no time for ourselves is all worth it now because i see kiara growing up and am so proud of her. she does things now that make me laugh so hard and make me well up with tears because i am so proud. i guess what i mean is that there certainly is a light at the end of the tunnel and i echo what tim said, that it does get easier. thanx for being honest chels

February 20, 2007 - 11:58 am Anonymous - Me again...I went to Playgroup this am with the girls and was thinking about you. I think it is amazing how honest you are...with no reservations. Too often I try to downplay how I feel because I think I should be stronger, I should be more perfect so I am not honest about how I am truly feeling. You are really good at honesty and I admire that about you. Another thing I was thinking is that although what you are feeling is totally normal, you might want to talk to your doctor about it. A lot of women have post-partum depression and don't even know it. Maybe you are a little post-partum, maybe not but your doctor could talk to you about that. If you ever want some adult talk with someone who understands, call me.
Ev

February 20, 2007 - 12:44 pm Anonymous - Chelsey I too can relate to how you are feeling, and my boys are older and I still have days like that. please know that it does get easier as the get older and then you will be wishing they were babies again.lol Also please don't hesitate to call me and I would love to watch Eva for an hour while you go and have some time to yourself or with Pete. Take care and know you are blessed.

February 20, 2007 - 12:45 pm Anonymous - previous post was by Shannon, sorry but I was having trouble with my password for some reason.

February 20, 2007 - 8:12 pm Trinda - Hang on Chels. I know you will. I can tell you that for sure it gets better. One day you will look back when your baby doesn't need you quite as much and really isn't a baby at all anymore. I am at that point right now. The boys will head downstairs to play for hours, and they don't want to be snuggled and they don't "need" me like they used to. The adjusting never really ends. All I can say is take in every moment, sometimes I wish I could record in my head every single moment of their life. Even the moments I was frustrated. These are the moments that grow us into the people, or mothers we become! You are amazing. And I am so glad for you that you have so many people here to lend some support even if it can only be encouraging words. I will be praying as you and pete and eva adjust to your new life(these adjustments never happen overnight!) Love ya guys and miss ya!

February 21, 2007 - 7:53 am John and Angie - I second what all those wise women said about mothering, including Tim, who may be the wisest of the women. Tee hee.

Speaking of Magnolia though, what was the deal with the frogs? I've always wondered.


John

February 21, 2007 - 7:46 pm xblairx - move back to regina, and you and melissa can support eachother!!!

seriously. think about it.

February 22, 2007 - 3:24 pm 2-minute mark - moving back east does sound like a smart option, but i was thinking maybe a little further east. maybe brandon!

February 23, 2007 - 6:59 pm Anonymous - Blair and Mark,
You guys are forgetting WE live here! When are you moving west? Go west, young men, go west.
Auntie Vivian

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