mono-logue… or is it dia-?

my God is love.

i’m a girl born with a heart of tar, working to better my inner-self so that i can better the world with my outward-contribution. i try to love, but sometimes i find myself hating. i’m striving for virtue, sometimes i find myself in a lack of agreement with God. i’ve been born and i’ve died. i want to live my life giving to others without expecting anything in return but it’s hard when you’re so selfish. i want unity with God, unity with believers, but sometimes i separate myself from both of them. i’ve been transformed and i want to help change the world but sometimes i just don’t care. i have a purpose, a mission, yet sometimes i forget. you might find me deeply spiritual, but you might find me deeply worldly. sometimes in harmony, sometimes not. sometimes believing, sometimes not.

and so it goes.

love/hate. strife/discord. birth/death. altruism/selfishness. unity/separation. transformation/apathy. purpose/forgetfulness. spiritual/worldly. accord/inconsistency. belief/disbelief.

i have a hard time being the person that i want to be.

but i’m trying.

if i’ve been reminded of one thing lately it is how sinful i am.

awareness of how sinful i am reminds me of how little i know and how much i need God. how much we all need Him. how we can’t do anything without Him. how grateful i am that even though i forget i’m a sinner, God knows and loves me. he knows the desires in my heart and he keeps teaching me.

i want to be everything for him, but he says his grace is good enough. he’s set me free from all that i can’t yet be. but i’m on my way, i promise. every day i’m going to keep going. one day at a time.

my God is love. my God is love.

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4 thoughts on “mono-logue… or is it dia-?

  1. dave

    woot woot,
    nice one.

    i heard something a while ago (i forget where) that i thought was really profound.

    it talked about moving past just awareness of your sins, moving to a knowledge of your sinfulness. not just a list of sins in the day, but a real perception of your sinful nature.

    i dunno, made a lot of sense to me. i think you’re kinda touching on it with what you said. i think its true and i think that recognition is a huge step in the right direction–the direction of nakedness and realistic, sincere genuinity before God.

    also.. see Derek Webb’s “the house show” for more. some awesome sinfulness talk on there between songs. so good.

    peace.

    Reply

  2. marniehttp://www.myspace.com/marniedanielle

    this may be my favourite entry of yours yet. i am so in this frame of mind right now too. i cannot wait to talk to you.
    our God is love, & love is real.

    Reply

  3. Kim

    Soooo honest and true. That’s all of us, for sure. Thanks Chelsey. Great understanding and writing (as usual). Love Mom XOX

    Reply

  4. xblairx

    i am a whore i do confess.

    i’m not calling you a whore chelsea, that is just a cool song lyric from d-webb that i love. i have a little sticky note on my computer to remind me everyday of who i am, that whore, who often misses the whole picture of what God is trying to show me. thanks for the reminder.

    p.s.-seriously, though, i wasn’t calling you that.

    Reply

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